Christmas at Cafe Hopcott - join in the party and Merry Christmas to all ... Ho ... Ho!

Er, is there anybody there? Hello ... Hello!

Oh, good! I thought you were all asleep and not paying attention, for a minute. I should have known that devotees of the legendary service provided at Cafe Hopcott would have no trouble in feigning sleep (even snoring) while being constantly alert to any Public Announcements of importance like 'Free beer' or 'Drinks are on Hoppy'.

Well, now I've got your attention, here is the public announcement.

Er, (cough) (cough). Er, no that wasn't the Public Announcement and I don't have a cold ... Control yourself Hoppy!

Ditzy, I distinctly saw you looking a bit slug-like for a moment there. You know that I've spent all of 30 seconds cleaning up Cafe Hopcott after your last enthusiastic slime love-in before you changed into a rather attractive flower, which everybody seemed to prefer, even the postman who had refused to deliver bills and threatening letters to Cafe Hopcott for fear of being slimed. So, Ditzy, by popular acclaim, please concentrate on thinking flowery thoughts rather than sluggy ones.

What, Ditzy? Dacky, the Feral Dachshund, keeps watering you? ... Well, good, that saves me a job. Think of the lovely nutrients.

What is it now, Ditzy? What, Dacky has been smoking some of Hoppy's Merry Christmas Herbal Tea and you are beginning to feel all woozy? Well, lucky you. I've not even had a chance to get a cup of tea yet, because of this important Cafe Hopcott Public Service Announcement you keep interrupting.

Ouch, Dacky, why did you do that?

What? Because you love me? Dacky, you are not supposed to bite people you love.

Blech, blech ... Dacky, licking is better than biting ... But sticking your tongue down my throat is reserved for those with whom I have a passionate relationship ... Er, no Hoppy, not Madame Hopcott ... I was thinking more about that cub reporter from the Spellthorpwood Clarion ...

No, Wandering Minstrel, I don't want you to sing a soulful folk song as an introduction to this major and extremely important Cafe Hopcott Public Announcement ...

What? Please stop sniveling ... Yes, I think you sing marvelously ... It's just everybody starts crying when you sing - usually as soon as you stand up.

Yes, OK, you can do a 'ping' to announce my Public Announcement. Yes, a soulful 'ping' is OK ... No, not several, just one!

What? You want to play your guitar too? Absolutely not ...

Yes, I'm being firm ... Somebody has to be. You know that your guitar has been banned from Cafe Hopcott ever since you fitted the ghetto blaster amplification system, frightened a herd of deer on the moors that galloped through the village destroying the W.I. tea party and they sent a delegation to sort me out! I still bear the emotional scars. I think they were the ones who trained Madame Hopcott to be .... er ... well, Madame Hopcott ... And you know what trouble that has caused!

Now, are we all here before I make this very important Public Announcement?

Let me see, there is Dacky the Feral Dachshund, Ducky the three headed Dolly Dachshund, Hoppy is with us - just about. Ditzy has gone back to looking like a nice flower on the window ledge.

Where is Q? Has anybody seen Q? What? He's founded a Summer Camp for walking on water? Very popular with Civil Servants at the moment? I'm not surprised!

Well, look, if everybody concentrates very hard and thinks of Q, perhaps he will appear!

Now, concentrate ... Dacky, leave Ducky alone ... That's inappropriate behaviour ... You know that the West Cities Rural Youth Orchestra is arriving soon and everything in this cafe must be strictly P.G.

What? No, Wandering Minstrel, they are not going to do the 'ping' to announce this announcement - that is reserved for you! What? You think you should be paid? Do you think I'm being paid? Our customers save people's lives you know ... The firemen, with their shiny helmets dash into blazing buildings when they are not enjoying the Cafe Hopcott newly renovated champagne jacuzzi.

Now, has anybody seen Q?

What? He's behind me? Oh no he isn't ...

Ouch ... Ooh, I've just had my ears syringed and that bell is loud.

Hello, Q!

Look everybody, it's Q dressed as Father Christmas! He's come to join us at our Cafe Hopcott Christmas party. And, look, he's got lots of presents for everybody.

How wonderful now we are all here again.

Let's all sing 'we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas ...

What, Wandering Minstrel, we've done the Public Announcement and you haven't done your 'ping'...

What is it, Ducky? Dacky says I've not mentioned lots of people from Cafe Hopcott and they'll be upset.

But, can't you see, Dacky and Ducky, they are all there on the side of the hill waving to us - including the MI5 officers still disguised as goats.

It's good to be back again - at least for one special day :-)

Bye for now

Rob

Rob Hopcott - online author and proprietor of the online cooperative loosely termed Cafe Hopkiss, Cafe Hopsnot, Cafe Hopbosh, those Nuisances On The Hill ...

Editors note:

This Christmas short story, short Christmas story or humorous sketch, about the Cafe Hopcott Christmas Party, is one of Rob Hopcott's Christmas short stories for Christmas 2008 and is copyright Rob Hopcott 2008, all rights reserved.

All characters and places in this short humorous story, flash fiction, sudden fiction, postcard fiction, blemish on the space time continuum, except Nursee and Cookee - who aren't actually mentioned anyway - are completely fictitious and no reference is intended to any person or organization, living or otherwise in the real world or any other Rift in Space or Time.

Sue me and I'll send my attack slug around ... Ever been slimed? Haha! You'll get yours! I'll send Madame Hopcott around - now you're scared!

What about Cheffee and Nursee ... Well, they are coming down across the grass singing 'The Hills are alive to the sounds of music'.

And now Wandering Minstrel is complaining that they haven't been included in the terms of Cafe Hopcott Music Licence...

It's just all too much ...

I can't stand it!

I'm coming Cheffee ... I'm coming Nursee ...

'The Hills are astride the Clowns of Music ... I'm singing ... Can't you hear me ...

Is there anybody there?

Hellooooooooooo!

Merrrrrrryyyyyyyy Christmasssssssssss!